| matt 25:41-46 |
[16 Dec 2011|02:54am] |
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When I was a kid, my mom use to aways tell me before I left for camp to find the loner, the nerd, or the outcast and befriend them. To mke them. part of my group. My life. I don't know if i ever really intended t do it. But I find mysef reaching out to those kids time and time again. Later in life my family would joke I sought out troubled boyfriends if only in order to "fix" them. There is probably some truth to that. But tonight I was reminded why I seek out those who are alone and truly connect with them. Tonight a coworker confided in me she had no reason to live. Tonight I was reminded how fragile life is. And how sometimes, no matter how hard you try, theres nothing you can do.
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| Happy |
[05 Aug 2011|12:56pm] |
I am just so incredibly happy. Today especially. Every single thing that could go wrong in my life (or my parents) has. Yet, i still have this amazing feeling that its going to work out. Not how I want it to, or how I pictured life would be. But its going to be His plan. There is absolutely nothing I can do to guide my own life at this point. Every time I figure out a solution its stripped from me. At first I was getting so discouraged but its almost like I just woke up and knew that the answers dont lay with me. They never have. So I'm listening.
I'll have a real update later this week. I just needed to capture this feeling of peace.
Posted via LjBeetle
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| Learning |
[11 Nov 2010|12:35pm] |
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn't mean possession, and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes straight ahead, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your roads today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure. And you learn...and you learn...and you learn.
Posted via LjBeetle
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| non-negotiables |
[09 Nov 2010|09:51am] |
Christ centered.
Will be the leader of my household.
Loyal.
Honest.
Puts me on a pedestal.
Not in debt/financially stable.
Makes me laugh.
Loves his mother.
Is friends (or at least gets along) with my dad.
Can handle my mother and I when we're together.
Respects me.
Accepts that I am always going to have male friends in my life.
Is my best friend.
Truly loves God and wants to raise our kids that way.
Someone I'd actually be willing to have kids with.
Has a passion for traveling.
Speaks another language or at least has an interest to.
Would give me the world if I asked but I know I don't have to.
Someone I know only has eyes for me.
Doesn't make me feel suffocated.
Is independent.
Wants me, not needs me.
Is my soulmate.
*additions*
Makes me a better person.
Won't settle.
Has graduated college.
Can put up with me.
Is positive.
Will be patient with my commitment phobias.
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| love day! |
[14 Feb 2009|09:28am] |
"this is my heart. two years ago I gave it to you....
...and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Now you can wear it wherever you go, even when I'm not there to remind you that I love you, and will always love you."
that was a portion inscribed on the card Patrick sent with Liz's Tiffany's necklace. I started crying the second I read it. I have the strongest best friend in the world. I cant even begin to fathom what this is like for her. He had ordered all this so she'd get it today. He called her and I videoed her opening it so we could send it to him later...as if he was there. she never shed a tear even though her voice cracked the second she heard his. six weeks down...5 months to go. she is the strongest woman i know.
this is my heart. three years ago i gave it to you...
...and it is STILL the best thing that ever happened to me.
and you still hold it. wherever you go.
Forever and Always.
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| empowered |
[10 Feb 2009|05:49pm] |
ok, this may be long.
i havent felt as empowered, sexy, smart, confident, or worthwhile since highschool. and its not because im any more intelligent, and skinnier, or any better than i was then. its because in highschool, i valued myself. more than anyone else. more than any boy. more than any girl's opinion. i knew i could hold my own. and i knew how to hold myself. i wasnt threatened by anyone. i was composed.
i had that "je ne sais quoi"
and i still do. I just didnt realize it. other people saw it in me, but because i didnt see it in myself it didnt shine thru the way it use to. i had that edge. i was comfortable in my owen skin and no one could make me feel bad about myself. i didnt dress for other people, or to get boys to notice me. i knew i was worth noticing and if they were worthwhile too then they would notice me. and if they didnt, I DIDNT CARE.
i had that "devil may care" attitude. i was cocky or conceited. but i KNEW where i stood. i had teachers telling me i scared the hell out of them because i was so confident.
well excuse my language but where the fuck did she go? when did i EVER depend on a guy? or let him tell me how i feel? when did his opinion matter more than my own? when did i change for them?
well FUCK THAT. thats gone. dont worry, im not going all feminist on you all. but seriously, if they can't see who i KNOW I AM. then theyre not worth my time.
his behavior has nothing to do with my worth. it has everything to do with what he has to offer.
girls, WRITE THAT DOWN.
i have been too nice. too forgiving. i thought it made me a better person. the Bible says to forvie 70 times 7. "oh this is the right thing to do"
there is a DIFFERENCE between being forgiving and being a doormat.
the sophomore version of me wouldve walked away THREE YEARS AGO. she would walked away in July of 2005 too. do you have any idea how much suffering this would've saved me?!?!
it wasnt Mike's fault that i was up until 4am the day before my GRE's. it was MY FAULT for staying up and arguing with him. God this is so eye opening.
i have never felt better about myself. im tired of determining MY worth on OTHERS opinions. well look out, because thats over with.
i want people to see the worth that i see in myself. and theyre going to have no choice now. becuase i KNOW who i am.
and i DO have that je ne sais quoi. i am sexy, and brilliant, and skinny enough, and STRONG. stronger than most people you know. and better than any other girl. and i KNOW that. and THATS what makes me THAT GIRL.
and thats why im going to be ok.
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| pissed off. |
[09 Feb 2009|01:12pm] |
ok for all you nosies haha. basically mike's roommate drew just randomly found me on facebook and imed me with about 3739273034 questions. where is mike living, does he have a job, do you know how to reach him, etc. he told me he dropped his lease and "bought a place in miami"
according to drew he just up and left one day. hasnt paid rent in two months and completely fucked them over. they nearly got evicted and had to take out a loan to cover his portion. he also hasnt paid utilities since march of last year. he left all his stuff there and just never came back. im going over there tonight to go through it and see if i can find MY stuff he hasnt given back yet. im super not stoked about it. its going to kill me. but i want my shit back. apparently on christmas he was really fucked up. no one saw a girl there but theyve seen girls there other times. sweet. back in may and once in nov. on christmas he was smoking, drinking, and apparently on some sort of perscription drug?
im trying to take everything with a grain of salt. i dont really know drew that well either and i dont know if i believe everything. either way, i dont like it. the more i talk to drew the more shit i hear.
apparently he got hired by osceola firefighting and never started bc he got randomly drug tested. or at least thats the story he told drew. i think that WHOLE one is bs though bc so far as i know he never got hired by any department.
i could kill him. i cant decide what i want more, to never speak to him again or to hunt his fucking ass down and kill him. i want to call his mother lol. ive been meaning to talk to her about the money he owes me...but i didnt think it was fair to involve her. i probably wont. but i want to fucking beat the shit out of him. he makes tommy look like an angel. god i hate myself for loving him.
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| put your guard up sweetheart round 3 |
[18 Sep 2008|07:10pm] |
I found this today, i wrote it in the beginning of the summer.
dont lie to me. dont tell me you'll be there because you wont. dont promise me anything unless you can deliver. if you can't, be a man about it.anything else is just a waste of my time. give it to me straight. if youre just not that into me, say so. if you love someone else, love them. if i make your heart melt, hold me. if hope lies in my eyes, kiss me. im not asking anyone for forever. im asking for someone to respect me enough to be real with me. girls too, if you dont like that hes my best friend, date someone else. if im too flirty with him, get over it. if you cant trust him with me chances are hes not loyal. you want drama? go to the theatre. want to make up stories? watch your back.
i am done with liars, cheaters, and gossips.
i can be the best friend in the world. i will back you up come hell or high water. those who i can call my real friends know i would give my soul to help them. they have my support and loyalty first and foremost for the first time in my life ive realized what i deserve and what i want. expect some changes.
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| put your guard up sweetheart |
[08 Apr 2008|03:14pm] |
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dont lie to me. dont tell me you'll be there because you wont. dont promise me anything unless you can deliver. if you can't, be a man about it. anything else is just a waste of my time. give it to me straight. if youre just not that into me, say so. if you love someone else, love them. if i make your heart melt, hold me. if hope lies in my eyes, kiss me. im not asking anyone for forever. im asking for someone to respect me enough to be real with me. girls too, if you dont like that hes my best friend, date someone else. if im too flirty with him, get over it. if you cant trust him with me chances are hes not loyal. you want drama? go to the theatre. want to make up stories? watch your back.
i am done with liars, cheaters, and gossips.
i can be the best friend in the world. i will back you up come hell or high water. those who i can call my real friends know i would give my soul to help them. they have my support and loyalty first and foremost for the first time in my life ive realized what i deserve and what i want. expect some changes.
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| birthday thoughts and long goodbyes |
[10 Feb 2008|09:26pm] |
so im pretty sure carrie might be my most favorite person right now. i have had an insane last 2 weeks. but i had an absolute blast last night at "mardi gras" and i kept thinking, why cant she live in orlando? haha thats basically all i have to say
oh, orlando people, Wednesday Feb 27 is my birthday and you are all coming to dinner with me to celebrate. it wont be a crazy party bc i have tests at 8am the following day, yay. but it will be fun and it will make me happy to have people there
friday Feb 29 SoFla kids, you must come party with me in Fort Lauderdale, most likly at Dicey Rileys. The end
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| a lot of things |
[25 Nov 2007|08:53pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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There are a lot of things I want to be and do when I grow up. For as many of those there are, I have a thousand more I don't want.
I don't want to be lonely in a crowded room. I don't want to blame my failures on anyone else. I don't want to be bitter or jaded. I dont want to miss out on a single speck of life. I don't want to grow old and wonder what the hell I did with my life. I don't want to wake up and realize I have no idea who I am.
I don't want to treat my boyfriend/husband like his time is mine to use. I don't want to be married and feel more alone than I ever have before. I don't want to spoil my kids because they're the only friend I have. I don't want to not be able to spoil them because I never have enough money to pay the rent. I don't want to ever have to ask "Is there someone else?" or "Do you want there to be?" I don't want to stop reading because I feel I've learned too much already. I don't want to stop asking questions. I don't want to ever worry for money. I don't want anyone in my family to want for anything. I don't want to grow old having never truly lived.
This is what I've learned from observing my family. These are the things they are doing. Going through. The things that are happening to them.
And I refuse to repeat them in my life.
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| happy halloween |
[31 Oct 2007|03:16pm] |
so far today i have been taught comparitive mythology by a pirate, preached at by brother Micah, asked to sell my soul for a piece of candy, watched 5 cops freak out about the lack of a sidewalk and some kids rallying, and learned that burger king is exploiting tomato pickers in 3rd world countries. not to mention have spotted charlie brown, badly dressed tourists, zombies in the student union, two witches in chik-fil-a, superman in the parking garage, and a werewolf sat in front of me in class.
and then just now on my way to the library a giant marshmellow man was hiding behind a tree. well, trying to hide. i thought he was a clown at first so i stayed far far away (im terrified of clowns). then a small group of ghostbusters flew out of the library and started running after him with their stun guns. he tried to hide behing me, which obviously didnt work out since his costume thing made him about 3 times my size. they chased him all around the fountain , milican hall and then back into the library.
yep, its halloween at UCF.
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| coming home! |
[03 Aug 2007|08:17pm] |
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ill be home late monday night or tuesday early. im so excited! i better see all of you! i think im gonna have a party wednesday night. i know alot of you work but i really want everyone to get together!
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| color war |
[28 Jul 2007|11:26pm] |
COLOR WAR BROKE! ok let me start out by first explaining what color war is. THey basically split the camp into two and then we fight! the Red Devils v.s. the White Knights. actually, go watch a rerun of Bug Juice and then things will make more sense.
ok so color war broke on Thursday night. it was totally an imitation of Hogwarts with the sorting hat. so awesome! they line up the old staff and old campers and then call your name and devide you into your teams.
so naturally they put mike on the Devils side and me and tyler on the white knights!
last night the EP (evening program) was called Junior Bulldogs and its basically an even where small children wrestle the hell out of each other in an attempt to drag a football across their teams line. we won!
tonight we had harness pull. it was the most insane and intense competition ive ever seen. its kinda like tug-o-war, with bodies. they weighed kids in and harnessed one knight and one devil to each other. then they drag each other across the floor until the flag passes the line. kids are crying before its even over just because they know theyre defeated.
we kicked ass. we won 9 out of 11!!!! it was fricking awesome!
anyways i miss you all
WK WK WK White Knights! White Knights!
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| camp |
[16 Jul 2007|10:34pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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ok so long story short, im staying the last three weeks after all. i have mixed feelings about it. im kinda happy and after today im worried its gonna suck. today was really stressful and Tyler and i literally just kept telling ourselves, "breath, were almost done" even though thats a lie. lol
we had our 24 hour off on friday and it was obvious it was friday the 13th. it sucked. i would actually have rather worked a million days than had a day off.
but thing should get better, i seriously miss you all tons. mario, im so glad you had fun in NYC! and carrie, tell Lily to stop growing. and Abby i miss you, and stephie too. and i dont remember what else i wanted to say but ill be home in 4 weeks...and counting
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| chocolate? |
[17 May 2007|01:29am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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im buying a couch! actually, two couches! i hope. they are chocolate brown leather and im in love! modernage is going out of business and i got one hell of a deal. i cannot wait. i will have couches but no living room for next year. oh, and im totally living with mikey p's girlfriend next year. just no clue where still. and happy may 16th tyler. its been what, 3 years? we are amazing. that is all
oh oh, and i love carrie anne. she is amazing.
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[04 May 2007|02:51pm] |
id rather spend the rest of my life fighting with you than making love to someone else.
fucking amazing quote.
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| falling |
[24 Feb 2007|12:09pm] |
what is the story with the fear of falling? ive yet to meet a person who doesnt have this fear in some way.
falling
falling in love
falling
falling into temptation
falling
i fell off a horse today. the first time since the accident that caused me all this pain and nonsense. nearly 6 years ago. it happens so slowly. you realize youve lost your balance and at first you try to prevent it, but theres nothing you can do. you see the ground coming closer and your body tenses up. then you hit. some people fall harder than others. some people never get back up. some people brush the dirt off and try again.
but my questions is, why are we so scared to just let go? is it being out of control? is it getting hurt? is it the thought of never being able to get back up again? life comes at you fast, and not living life doesnt prevent you from falling, it just prolongs it.
every time ive gotten back up on a horse ive had this fear in the back of my mind, what if i fall? what if the doctors are right? am i foolish to test that fate? so im cautious, and every time i dismount with a clean ride i think, "they were wrong". today i fell and it was like a brick hitting. but it wasnt my bruised hip that felt it, it was my heart. whats the point of living if you cant give it your all?
so when i hit the ground today, i got back on that horse, and i rode like i use to. and it was the greatest feeling in the world.
now, if i can just apply that mindset to the rest of my life =)
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| sick of your shit |
[27 Nov 2006|10:05pm] |
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mood |
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 serious |
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i am so fucking sick of your bullshit drama. its like youre still stuck in highschool. name calling? havent we come any farther than this? we decided SENIOR year that we were too mature for this. apparently we havent come that far at all. i am SICK of being called names. i am sick of hearing your lies. i am sick of you trying to tarnish my reputation. funniest thing is, no one believes a word of your lies. why? because they KNOW the truth. they know me, my character, what i stand for. they know ive been there for them since day 1 and will continue to always support them. why? because they are MY FRIENDS! then you attack my mother? shes been in and out of the hospital more times than i want to count and you have the audacity to make up lies about her?
knock the shit off and grow up.
and if you say another word about me, my roommate, or my mother, you will regret it for the rest of your life.
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