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Mercedes

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Just when I start to panic [05 Jul 2013|01:56am]

He reminds me how in love I am.

The first and the last.

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An open letter [03 Jul 2013|09:31am]

Let's just call a spade a spade.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

I found that quote about a month ago. I debated sending it to you but I didn't know how it would be received. I wanted to tell you thank you. For shaking my world up. A few times. You showed me things about my character I didn't like and didn't want to continue to do. Everything that happened over the past decade has taught me that I cannot keep entering into relationships being closed up, distant, and refusing to genuinely let a person in. I started 2013 with the goal of being open, honest, accepting that I could get hurt, but that I could never truly love a person unless I let them in, 100% in. Then I met Jordan. I never once even had to think about letting my walls down. They were just never there to begin with. You may have been part of the reason I was guarded. I built a lot of those walls with false promises you fed me. But I am so grateful for the experiences because they have led me to this man, and I could not think of a better match for my life.

I am so happy you have found the one whom your soul loves. I wanted to tell you congratulations but I didn't want you to see it as more than it is. I truly wish you both nothing but the best and a lifetime of happiness. I just thought you should know that I don't harbor any resentment or anger towards you. I may never understand your actions but I am so glad our paths led us to where we are.

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Just a matter of time. [20 Jun 2013|12:23am]

When you know, you know.

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Time. [27 Dec 2012|12:41am]

It's hard to explain.

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BB says. [18 Dec 2012|11:07pm]

I use to think that not knowing what I wanted was the most difficult thing. But now I think that knowing exactly what you want, but not knowing how to get it, or if you ever will, is much harder.

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Mo(u)rning never comes. [17 Dec 2012|02:36pm]

Sometimes it just feels like I'm in grieving. I wish I could explain it better. But it just feels like loss.

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Living arrangements [25 Nov 2012|11:44pm]

1 step forward, 3 steps back.

This has got to change fast.

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Words [07 Nov 2012|07:25pm]

"You're grasping at anything to push me away. You're scared because you're in love with me like you've never loved anyone else, and unlike them, someone like me can break your heart. I know that because right now you're breaking mine."

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Sharing sharing [03 Nov 2012|12:45pm]

Just told my mom everything about my past relationships. I mean everything haha. Pretty weird and yet normal? I love that my mom and have such a better relationship now and I can actually share things with her. Although I'm sure some of it will bite me in the ass one day haha.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with all this love wedding stuff. It's putting me in a weird place, though thankfully not the bad one.

Just don't want to keep feeling set back. Ive been moving forward so nicely.

It also give me such hope for the future. I'm excited for my life to one day (far from now) go down this path.

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You deserve whatever you want. [22 Oct 2012|05:42pm]

Therapist: You don't ever ask for what you want do you? You realize you're setting yourself up for never getting anything that you want that way
Me: but isn't that selfish? Or self centered? To demand what I want from someone else?
Therapist: I think you need to start redefining the things you call selfish or self centered and seeing them as self supportive.
Me: so how many times can you ask someone for what you want and not get it before you throw in the towel?
Therapist: 37. I'm kidding. There's no magic number. You have to decide for yourself what's enough.
Me: what if you just want too much? Or expect too much?
Therapist: I think you can ask for any damn thing you want.

I think of myself as being so selfish. My therapist thinks I'm too busy being concerned with others' well being that I'm neglecting myself. It's interesting I see such a different (negative) picture of myself.

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Perks [18 Oct 2012|12:58am]

I could write for days about how wonderful Perks was. How it lived up to my every expectation and reminded me so strongly of 9th grade I could've sworn Deanna was sitting next to me.

I love that it takes place in Pittsburgh. It felt so surreal to be reliving memories from Ft Lauderdale and seeing my current home elicit those memories.

It was even the same model truck we use to drive through the tunnels and down St Andrews causeway. Feeling infinite.

It was also interesting hearing the story told again now that I've had 7 years of psych training. Jenna brought up a good point, that their outcome probably won't be as pretty as they painted it. People don't leave Mayview and just start over.

Who knew when I read that 11 years ago I would end up working at that very hospital with the same population.

I wish Deanna and I were still friends or I at least knew how to get in touch with her. It's funny, but the three people I use to experience that endless feeling of being invincible with, I no longer speak to. Two for very good reasons.

I just want to always have that same yearning that I did back then. The same passion and excitement over things as silly as sitting in the back of a pickup truck and seeing the city lights over the ocean as you hit the top of the causeway.

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15 [11 Oct 2012|12:26am]

I just got home andAlaska was bleeding from his eye. I don't even know what to do for him. There is blood all over his face. My poor poor puppy. I just don't want to have to watch him fall apart. I know he's 15 but I'm not ready. It's too much sadness and loss in my life too close together.

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Closure [04 Oct 2012|02:33pm]

I love asking questions I don't actually want the answers to. I already know the answer but its like I need to hear the brutal truth directly from the source. I can't decide if it helps me move on or just pulls me back.

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Timing [03 Oct 2012|11:38pm]

He really has impeccable timing. It's amazing actually. Almost like they all get together and plan it. At least I'm never surprised anymore.

It's funny how things work out the way they're suppose to.

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Not. [02 Oct 2012|09:33pm]

I love when you confide in someone and then they use that as ammunition against you later. Favorite.

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Half in, half out. [29 Sep 2012|10:21pm]

Probably my biggest pet peeve. So over your games.

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"so how do you know" [21 Sep 2012|12:15am]
When it hurts less to leave than stay.

Ty and I must really be related.


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No doubt at all [13 Sep 2012|09:17am]
I asked 3 people who I truly respect and admire why they chose their spouse, and got 3 identical answers.
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Session #4 [11 Sep 2012|06:06pm]
Oh hi, peace, clarity, understanding, and resolve.

Its nice to see you again. I hope you'll stay a while this time.
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What I don't want. [08 Sep 2012|05:28pm]
After a long discussion, I still know exactly what I don't want.

I don't want a man who can't keep his promises.

I don't want a man who doesn't make me a priority.

I don't want to change who I am for someone else.

I don't want to get lost all over again.

I don't want a man like my father.

I don't want to want anyone God doesn't want me with.
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