| a wave of loneliness just hit me. |
[22 Jun 2009|04:16pm] |
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music |
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Ok Go-get over it |
] |
a sudden wave of loneliness just hit me in the goddamn face. it seems everyone i know is getting together. and despite the speeches i make, which i do honestly believe, i cant help but miss being with someone.
i still stand with my thoughts that being with a guy would just hold me back at this point in my life. because they would. but perhaps thats because its the wrong kind of guy. maybe theres a guy out there that would push me to pursue my dreams. ive just gotten use to the ones that hold me back.
regardless, Natasha and I had a big heart to heart in Venice Sat night and we both just kept saying how we wanted to share this with someone.
After talking to Bill about all the changes that are happening back home, I just feel incredibly alone. its a terrible feeling.
but until about 20 mins ago things are amazing. i love it here and i couldnt be happier. spent the weekend in Venice at the most sketchy, yet awesome, hostel ever. i love the experiences im having here and i wouldnt trade them for anythig =)
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| completely distracted |
[15 Jun 2009|02:27pm] |
Ive been at the San Gallo campus for about 2 hours and I have accomplished negative amounts of my paper. Its terrible. Thank goodness I already studied for Cinema. There is a lecture on ....well I'm still not sure what...but something to do with individual's art projects. Like what inspired them and theres a slide show type thing and each speakers shows their art and talks about why they chose it. I'm completely distracted. I tried uploading more pics and it failed and I was so bummed because thats what I was waiting for!
Rome this past weekend was interesting. I still seem to be running into BS. But I called Bill crying and he talked me thru it haha. He seriously gets me better than most. Talked to him for about an hour, probably going to have the most insane phone bill ever. But I needed it.
If I ever get my paper finished I'm going to watch the US v. Italy game at this Irish pub down the street! Im excited.
I also might go to Ireland the last weekend I'm here. I want to so bad but flights are pricey. Well, $200 roundtrip. I'm thinking its worth it but trying to be smart at the same time.
I have way too much school work in the next 2 weeks though. I don't really know how to get it all done. There's just not enough hours. Venice is this weekend so I won't be working on it much, then Finals. yay. I thought I was done with all this school stuff haha.
This trip has been amazing in so many ways. I want to retype my travel journal when I have time, because these updates don't do it justice!
Love and miss you all tons.
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| Dear UCF, I hate you. |
[29 Apr 2009|08:50pm] |
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Dear UCF, I hate you and your true to form stereotype of "U Cant Finish". Thank you for royally fucking me.
Dear Dr. Giordano, Thank you for not giving a shit about me.
Dear Chiara, Thank you for saving my ass completely and being so understanding.
Short version, somewhere, somehow I'm short a class to graduate with my minor. So I either graduate next week without a minor-that I have worked 21 credit hours towards-or I dont graduate til Sept. There was a lot more to the story than that. A lot more tears and frustration and me yelling and seriously, no exaggeration, going to 9 different offices to talk to at least 25 different people, but I've managed to work it out so that I'll walk with my class next week. At first they told me I had to drop my Italy program. Then they told me I couldnt graduate til Dec. Then they told me I could go to Italy but then I owed UCF 2 semesters for residency requirements. Then I found Chiara. We made a "secret" deal and now it may all work out somewhat. I'm going to the Italy program with USF for grad credit as planned. I will remain enrolled at UCF and "accidently" bump into her while we're convienantly located in Florence for the exact same dates to turn in my work for her class that I will be enrolled in as "Independent Study". I just cant tell anyone I'm taking courses at USF until I get my diploma.
I think I handled today really well. I broke down for about 10 minutes sobbing at the idea of not graduating with my minor. Then instantly picked myself up and went full force. I was on a freaking mission. My determination seems to have paid off since everything is "okay" now. I'll just be taking 3 classes instead of 2 and itll cost a lot more. I can handle that.
Dave made me realize something really vital today. I started writing in my "past" journal again. I may send it to him at some point. I think it will give him closure. I know hes past me more or less in a physical sense. But I think its the right thing to do. We shall see. But I'm really glad Dave and I have gotten so close lately.
I need this weekend like I need air. I need tomorrow night too. So much.
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| wine is cheaper than water there |
[21 Apr 2009|07:31pm] |
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mulin rouge. |
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i have the bestest friend ever. i just found out she called him to plan a surprise visit for me. probably the cutest thing ever. just hearing about it completely lifted my mood.
im 1/12 of the way done with my italian final. it sounds like nothing haha but its a huge start since ive been putting it off for over a week. i need to have it done by friday so i can have the weekend to play. thank god for Chadwick. he totally saved my ass.
amy got me a job at Mako's, 23, or Back Room. im pumped. still havent decided where i want to end up after Italy but im totally ok with that.
theres a social tonight and im not sure if i want to be responsible or live it up. its the last social with theta i can ever go on haha. but i have a final tomorrow. i could fail the final and still pass the class and graduate. its amazing how good my grades have been this semester. my mom was probably right. i should have been single all thru college. i have a 97% in my hardest class haha.
I have to book everything by friday for Italy. oh decisions. i love the way Bill makes decisions. No Big? No Lil? No open bar? hahaha. <3
Thurs is my last day of classes for undergrad. ever. unbelievable.
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| thanks to Cait for this amazing song |
[16 Apr 2009|10:30pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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Bet you thought my world was over
Bet you though I'd crash and burn
You thought I'd never
Pick myself up off the floor
But baby you were wrong
Just like before
I used to breathe you
I used to need you
I used to hang on every word
that you say
It used to please you
To try to make me
someone else
And I thank you from
My heart for your help
Cause you made me find myself
I used to think if I surrendered
I'd be the perfect one for you
But I swear I can't remember
The last time I was happy with you
No I'm not going back in time
And there's a price for being
strong
But I can live with who I am
You made me find my dreams
You made me find my love
You made me find myself
Thank you, thank you
its so cool when someone else can describe exactly how you feel
i got the job! on a trial basis, basically what Area 7 did. so i got the job haha. im pretty pumped. i guess that means im staying in Orlando a little longer. i need to update this thing more often.
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| there were ghosts in the eyes of all the boys you sent away. |
[16 Apr 2009|02:23pm] |
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kate voegele |
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I love that quote so much. its probably true.
job interview today. i cant even accept the job really because of Italy. but im stoked i got the interview and we'll see what happens. found some way cheap flights so im feeling more positive about the situation. and i filled out all the finaid apps today so wish me luck. im also picking up my cap and gown today! hooray for graduation! with honors.
we're watching this video in class on esctasy. its really interesting. the teacher asked us if we knew what X sells for on the street. it was really sad that i knew the answer. the last time i ever saw Mike before we broke up was when him and Ryan were trying to make a deal. i think about how far ive come in the last 6 months and i cant help but wonder if he has. id like to think so. but i also know that now he has the freedom to do what he wants. and that probably involves drugs. scratch that, i know it does. i had to fight the urge to wish him a happy birthday. i havent really had the desire to talk to him. i just wish we could be adults about things. id like to think i could text him happy birthday and he could say thanks and that would be that. or even we could catch up on life. thats a stretch. ive learned from tommy that its impossible to ever just be friends. someone will always want more. or be bitter. or angry. and i dont want or need that. id just like to not feel like enemies. or that he hates me. he knows thats what bothers me the most. i know ill never see a dime from that boy. and its not the money that bothers me its that it makes him less than what id like to remember him as. i want to remember him as the stand up guy i fell in love with. it hurts to know he's not anymore.
in other news, i am pumped about my future. everything is falling into place and its a great feeling. im getting graduate credit for Italy! the only thing im waiting on is housing for after Europe. I dont know where I want to live or with who or for how long haha. I should probably figure this out soon. in the meantime its storage for my stuff and selling the rest! hopefully to Carrie! i applied to FSU for spring although I dont think i really want to go there haha. part of me wants to because of theatre and cait but my heart is still in New York.
Katie's wedding was beautiful. and hectic. and fun. dancing to "your song" made my heart melt. and having my best friend there was amazing.
formal is tomorrow! i have the hottest date lmao. and the prettiest dress. which cost way too much but you know what, i havent spent a dime and i deserve it haha. im about to blow a good portion of savings on italy so what the hell.
im still looking for a travel buddy! end of june til...whenever? Shannon-get your ass in gear haha.
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| love day! |
[14 Feb 2009|09:28am] |
"this is my heart. two years ago I gave it to you....
...and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Now you can wear it wherever you go, even when I'm not there to remind you that I love you, and will always love you."
that was a portion inscribed on the card Patrick sent with Liz's Tiffany's necklace. I started crying the second I read it. I have the strongest best friend in the world. I cant even begin to fathom what this is like for her. He had ordered all this so she'd get it today. He called her and I videoed her opening it so we could send it to him later...as if he was there. she never shed a tear even though her voice cracked the second she heard his. six weeks down...5 months to go. she is the strongest woman i know.
this is my heart. three years ago i gave it to you...
...and it is STILL the best thing that ever happened to me.
and you still hold it. wherever you go.
Forever and Always.
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| empowered |
[10 Feb 2009|05:49pm] |
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ok, this may be long.
i havent felt as empowered, sexy, smart, confident, or worthwhile since highschool. and its not because im any more intelligent, and skinnier, or any better than i was then. its because in highschool, i valued myself. more than anyone else. more than any boy. more than any girl's opinion. i knew i could hold my own. and i knew how to hold myself. i wasnt threatened by anyone. i was composed.
i had that "je ne sais quoi"
and i still do. I just didnt realize it. other people saw it in me, but because i didnt see it in myself it didnt shine thru the way it use to. i had that edge. i was comfortable in my owen skin and no one could make me feel bad about myself. i didnt dress for other people, or to get boys to notice me. i knew i was worth noticing and if they were worthwhile too then they would notice me. and if they didnt, I DIDNT CARE.
i had that "devil may care" attitude. i was cocky or conceited. but i KNEW where i stood. i had teachers telling me i scared the hell out of them because i was so confident.
well excuse my language but where the fuck did she go? when did i EVER depend on a guy? or let him tell me how i feel? when did his opinion matter more than my own? when did i change for them?
well FUCK THAT. thats gone. dont worry, im not going all feminist on you all. but seriously, if they can't see who i KNOW I AM. then theyre not worth my time.
his behavior has nothing to do with my worth. it has everything to do with what he has to offer.
girls, WRITE THAT DOWN.
i have been too nice. too forgiving. i thought it made me a better person. the Bible says to forvie 70 times 7. "oh this is the right thing to do"
there is a DIFFERENCE between being forgiving and being a doormat.
the sophomore version of me wouldve walked away THREE YEARS AGO. she would walked away in July of 2005 too. do you have any idea how much suffering this would've saved me?!?!
it wasnt Mike's fault that i was up until 4am the day before my GRE's. it was MY FAULT for staying up and arguing with him. God this is so eye opening.
i have never felt better about myself. im tired of determining MY worth on OTHERS opinions. well look out, because thats over with.
i want people to see the worth that i see in myself. and theyre going to have no choice now. becuase i KNOW who i am.
and i DO have that je ne sais quoi. i am sexy, and brilliant, and skinny enough, and STRONG. stronger than most people you know. and better than any other girl. and i KNOW that. and THATS what makes me THAT GIRL.
and thats why im going to be ok.
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| pissed off. |
[09 Feb 2009|01:12pm] |
ok for all you nosies haha. basically mike's roommate drew just randomly found me on facebook and imed me with about 3739273034 questions. where is mike living, does he have a job, do you know how to reach him, etc. he told me he dropped his lease and "bought a place in miami"
according to drew he just up and left one day. hasnt paid rent in two months and completely fucked them over. they nearly got evicted and had to take out a loan to cover his portion. he also hasnt paid utilities since march of last year. he left all his stuff there and just never came back. im going over there tonight to go through it and see if i can find MY stuff he hasnt given back yet. im super not stoked about it. its going to kill me. but i want my shit back. apparently on christmas he was really fucked up. no one saw a girl there but theyve seen girls there other times. sweet. back in may and once in nov. on christmas he was smoking, drinking, and apparently on some sort of perscription drug?
im trying to take everything with a grain of salt. i dont really know drew that well either and i dont know if i believe everything. either way, i dont like it. the more i talk to drew the more shit i hear.
apparently he got hired by osceola firefighting and never started bc he got randomly drug tested. or at least thats the story he told drew. i think that WHOLE one is bs though bc so far as i know he never got hired by any department.
i could kill him. i cant decide what i want more, to never speak to him again or to hunt his fucking ass down and kill him. i want to call his mother lol. ive been meaning to talk to her about the money he owes me...but i didnt think it was fair to involve her. i probably wont. but i want to fucking beat the shit out of him. he makes tommy look like an angel. god i hate myself for loving him.
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| put your guard up sweetheart round 3 |
[18 Sep 2008|07:10pm] |
I found this today, i wrote it in the beginning of the summer.
dont lie to me. dont tell me you'll be there because you wont. dont promise me anything unless you can deliver. if you can't, be a man about it.anything else is just a waste of my time. give it to me straight. if youre just not that into me, say so. if you love someone else, love them. if i make your heart melt, hold me. if hope lies in my eyes, kiss me. im not asking anyone for forever. im asking for someone to respect me enough to be real with me. girls too, if you dont like that hes my best friend, date someone else. if im too flirty with him, get over it. if you cant trust him with me chances are hes not loyal. you want drama? go to the theatre. want to make up stories? watch your back.
i am done with liars, cheaters, and gossips.
i can be the best friend in the world. i will back you up come hell or high water. those who i can call my real friends know i would give my soul to help them. they have my support and loyalty first and foremost for the first time in my life ive realized what i deserve and what i want. expect some changes.
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| put your guard up sweetheart |
[08 Apr 2008|03:14pm] |
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vindicated |
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bent-matchbox 20 |
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dont lie to me. dont tell me you'll be there because you wont. dont promise me anything unless you can deliver. if you can't, be a man about it. anything else is just a waste of my time. give it to me straight. if youre just not that into me, say so. if you love someone else, love them. if i make your heart melt, hold me. if hope lies in my eyes, kiss me. im not asking anyone for forever. im asking for someone to respect me enough to be real with me. girls too, if you dont like that hes my best friend, date someone else. if im too flirty with him, get over it. if you cant trust him with me chances are hes not loyal. you want drama? go to the theatre. want to make up stories? watch your back.
i am done with liars, cheaters, and gossips.
i can be the best friend in the world. i will back you up come hell or high water. those who i can call my real friends know i would give my soul to help them. they have my support and loyalty first and foremost for the first time in my life ive realized what i deserve and what i want. expect some changes.
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| birthday thoughts and long goodbyes |
[10 Feb 2008|09:26pm] |
so im pretty sure carrie might be my most favorite person right now. i have had an insane last 2 weeks. but i had an absolute blast last night at "mardi gras" and i kept thinking, why cant she live in orlando? haha thats basically all i have to say
oh, orlando people, Wednesday Feb 27 is my birthday and you are all coming to dinner with me to celebrate. it wont be a crazy party bc i have tests at 8am the following day, yay. but it will be fun and it will make me happy to have people there
friday Feb 29 SoFla kids, you must come party with me in Fort Lauderdale, most likly at Dicey Rileys. The end
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| a lot of things |
[25 Nov 2007|08:53pm] |
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Trans Siberian Orchestra |
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There are a lot of things I want to be and do when I grow up. For as many of those there are, I have a thousand more I don't want.
I don't want to be lonely in a crowded room. I don't want to blame my failures on anyone else. I don't want to be bitter or jaded. I dont want to miss out on a single speck of life. I don't want to grow old and wonder what the hell I did with my life. I don't want to wake up and realize I have no idea who I am.
I don't want to treat my boyfriend/husband like his time is mine to use. I don't want to be married and feel more alone than I ever have before. I don't want to spoil my kids because they're the only friend I have. I don't want to not be able to spoil them because I never have enough money to pay the rent. I don't want to ever have to ask "Is there someone else?" or "Do you want there to be?" I don't want to stop reading because I feel I've learned too much already. I don't want to stop asking questions. I don't want to ever worry for money. I don't want anyone in my family to want for anything. I don't want to grow old having never truly lived.
This is what I've learned from observing my family. These are the things they are doing. Going through. The things that are happening to them.
And I refuse to repeat them in my life.
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| happy halloween |
[31 Oct 2007|03:16pm] |
so far today i have been taught comparitive mythology by a pirate, preached at by brother Micah, asked to sell my soul for a piece of candy, watched 5 cops freak out about the lack of a sidewalk and some kids rallying, and learned that burger king is exploiting tomato pickers in 3rd world countries. not to mention have spotted charlie brown, badly dressed tourists, zombies in the student union, two witches in chik-fil-a, superman in the parking garage, and a werewolf sat in front of me in class.
and then just now on my way to the library a giant marshmellow man was hiding behind a tree. well, trying to hide. i thought he was a clown at first so i stayed far far away (im terrified of clowns). then a small group of ghostbusters flew out of the library and started running after him with their stun guns. he tried to hide behing me, which obviously didnt work out since his costume thing made him about 3 times my size. they chased him all around the fountain , milican hall and then back into the library.
yep, its halloween at UCF.
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| coming home! |
[03 Aug 2007|08:17pm] |
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ill be home late monday night or tuesday early. im so excited! i better see all of you! i think im gonna have a party wednesday night. i know alot of you work but i really want everyone to get together!
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| color war |
[28 Jul 2007|11:26pm] |
COLOR WAR BROKE! ok let me start out by first explaining what color war is. THey basically split the camp into two and then we fight! the Red Devils v.s. the White Knights. actually, go watch a rerun of Bug Juice and then things will make more sense.
ok so color war broke on Thursday night. it was totally an imitation of Hogwarts with the sorting hat. so awesome! they line up the old staff and old campers and then call your name and devide you into your teams.
so naturally they put mike on the Devils side and me and tyler on the white knights!
last night the EP (evening program) was called Junior Bulldogs and its basically an even where small children wrestle the hell out of each other in an attempt to drag a football across their teams line. we won!
tonight we had harness pull. it was the most insane and intense competition ive ever seen. its kinda like tug-o-war, with bodies. they weighed kids in and harnessed one knight and one devil to each other. then they drag each other across the floor until the flag passes the line. kids are crying before its even over just because they know theyre defeated.
we kicked ass. we won 9 out of 11!!!! it was fricking awesome!
anyways i miss you all
WK WK WK White Knights! White Knights!
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| camp |
[16 Jul 2007|10:34pm] |
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ok so long story short, im staying the last three weeks after all. i have mixed feelings about it. im kinda happy and after today im worried its gonna suck. today was really stressful and Tyler and i literally just kept telling ourselves, "breath, were almost done" even though thats a lie. lol
we had our 24 hour off on friday and it was obvious it was friday the 13th. it sucked. i would actually have rather worked a million days than had a day off.
but thing should get better, i seriously miss you all tons. mario, im so glad you had fun in NYC! and carrie, tell Lily to stop growing. and Abby i miss you, and stephie too. and i dont remember what else i wanted to say but ill be home in 4 weeks...and counting
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| chocolate? |
[17 May 2007|01:29am] |
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excited |
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im buying a couch! actually, two couches! i hope. they are chocolate brown leather and im in love! modernage is going out of business and i got one hell of a deal. i cannot wait. i will have couches but no living room for next year. oh, and im totally living with mikey p's girlfriend next year. just no clue where still. and happy may 16th tyler. its been what, 3 years? we are amazing. that is all
oh oh, and i love carrie anne. she is amazing.
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[04 May 2007|02:51pm] |
id rather spend the rest of my life fighting with you than making love to someone else.
fucking amazing quote.
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| falling |
[24 Feb 2007|12:09pm] |
what is the story with the fear of falling? ive yet to meet a person who doesnt have this fear in some way.
falling
falling in love
falling
falling into temptation
falling
i fell off a horse today. the first time since the accident that caused me all this pain and nonsense. nearly 6 years ago. it happens so slowly. you realize youve lost your balance and at first you try to prevent it, but theres nothing you can do. you see the ground coming closer and your body tenses up. then you hit. some people fall harder than others. some people never get back up. some people brush the dirt off and try again.
but my questions is, why are we so scared to just let go? is it being out of control? is it getting hurt? is it the thought of never being able to get back up again? life comes at you fast, and not living life doesnt prevent you from falling, it just prolongs it.
every time ive gotten back up on a horse ive had this fear in the back of my mind, what if i fall? what if the doctors are right? am i foolish to test that fate? so im cautious, and every time i dismount with a clean ride i think, "they were wrong". today i fell and it was like a brick hitting. but it wasnt my bruised hip that felt it, it was my heart. whats the point of living if you cant give it your all?
so when i hit the ground today, i got back on that horse, and i rode like i use to. and it was the greatest feeling in the world.
now, if i can just apply that mindset to the rest of my life =)
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porcelaintears's journal